Honestly, sometimes I'm scared

This is me being transparent opening myself up truly showing a side of me that doesn't come often, but when it comes I feel like I'm sinking there is no light at the end of the tunnel this is it for the rest of my life. It's only downhill from here.

The other night while I was counting out my weekly medications, I have a weekly container for my pills that separates them into each day of the week. last night while counting the pills and separating them into my container I dropped two pills onto the tile floor. I almost always drop one we have tile floor in our bathroom and my dropping pills has become almost a joke between my husband and I so I hear from our bedroom "dropped one", then the second pill dropped, which in the scheme of things is nothing, but for me that night that was it, two was too many. My hands were not working well and in all honesty I should have asked for help, but I am to stubborn for that. I used a shelf to support me while I bent down to retrieve my dropped pills, the shelf was missing a bracket and tipped forward and the contents spilled over. I am lucky I didn't hurt myself, but I did hurt a handmade figurine my husband had gotten while on a Humanitarian trip in Panama...that was it I lost it! 

My husband was worried about me and was trying to come in and help, he was worried about the broken ceramic piece and whether I had in fact hurt myself. He was trying to open the door to the bathroom which was blocked with debris. I started crying and told him I'm ok please just wait until I pick it up so you can actually get in. I cleared up the broken pieces and started letting my mind go too far down the negative path, the path I hate, the path I normally avoid at all costs, but sometimes, just sometimes I can't be that strong anymore, sometimes I have to cry it out....sometimes I am scared. I started thinking about my independence that is slowly slipping away from me, all the things I couldn't do anymore, all the times I have to ask for help, what about when the disease progresses more, all the stuff my husband has to take over now that I can no longer do, what if something happens to him, I am not comfortable enough for anyone else to help me, I'm too strong willed to ask someone else to help me. What if I just can't be independent anymore?

I went and laid down and just cried for a while, my husband came to my side and held my hand and just waited for me to be done. Then he had me look at him, btw he has amazing brown eyes and he told me how much he loves me and how he will always be here for me, that he loves taking care of me, that I am worth it and I am amazing and strong and how he is the lucky one. Wow! I'm not sure if he is the lucky one or not, but I know that I am lucky, that I have an amazing husband that loves me and that alone makes me want to fight this disease.

These are all very real possibilities with this disease, this could be my future. One day I may not be able to be as independent as I am now, one day I may not be able to take care of myself.....and honestly that scares me, but I know that my husband will be there every step of the way. Whether it's sitting in the waiting room during my infusion or holding my hand while I have a good cry, but he will be there with a patient smile and a heart full of love.

On a happier closing note, because I am a very positive person. I can still do so much for myself and these really bad days that suck me into a black hole of sorrow and lets be honest self pity are few and far between. Today will be a good day, maybe not a great day, but a good day. My husband will make me smile, because he always does or my kids will or even the dogs, there is so much to be happy and thankful for, so today will be a good day.

I hope everyone has a good day. Thanks again for stopping by.